By the time I hit Florence, I reckon I'd just about seen the greatest hits collection from the brush tips of the Renaissance masters, only to discover the richest treasure trove yet in the Uffizi Gallery
Now, I fancy myself as a bit of a Renaissance Man -- albeit only because I like wearing tights, playing the lute and discussing the polemics of bad Dan Brown novels -- so I feel somewhat in a position of authority to dole out my deeply considered opinions on the finer points of post-dark ages art and culture. Firstly an overview, painted in broad brushstrokes, if you will, and secondly a wrap up of all the big hitters in the painting and sculpture caper.
Renaissance Art:
Virgins : what is it with painters and virgins? I'm up to here with 'em, let me tell you. I reckon I've seen enough Madonnas to fill a convent! And all she does is sit there smiling serenely, bouncing the little holy bubsy on her knee. I've had a quick browse through the Good Book, and for mine there are dozens more interesting shielas in there to cover the canvasses. For starters, where are all the Jezebels, Bathshebas and Delilahs? Give me a slyly seductive Queen of Sheba on a leopard skin with a little gossamer off-the-shoulder raiment any day.
Holy Infants : Plump, ugly and remarkably well-behaved. I don't know how those medieval painters got him to stay still during the sitting. Not a tantrum, dirty nappy or spat dummy in sight. Probably drugged the poor little mite.
Dead Jesi (I believe this is the correct plural) : Jeepers, this pre-occupation with humiliation, flagellation and crucifixion is a bit over the top. For a real rip-snorter, check out Grunewald's classic from the Northern Renaissance.
The Crucifixion
Saint Sebastian : The old gaydar goes into meltdown whenever you get within fifteen foot of one of these things. Now, I know most of your Florentine flourishers were shirt-lifters, but they really went to town on this guy. The all-time gay icon. Enough to beat the trousers of your Davids, Adones or Appollos.
The Big Hitters :
(in strictly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle order)
Leonardo : What can i say that hasn't been said? A true genius in every field. I even hear he could sing and play the piano as well. A bit like having Wally Lewis, Rod Laver and Don Bradman all rolled into one.
Mona and friends. The Louvre, Paris
Michelangelo : Another true genius. Never did anything by halves. Great, powerful, muscular works. Would have been the Paul Sironen of the marble-chipping league in his day. One small note (and I know I'm splitting hairs here), but for all the hours he spent lovingly carving every little wrinkle in the world's most famous foreskin, did anyone ever bother to tell him that David was Jewish?
David
Donatello : Beautiful, lyrical and sensuous. Certainly wore his homoerotic heart on his puffy, silken sleeve. I reckon if you raided his studio, it'd be choc-a-bloc full of teenage rent boys swanning around semi-naked in thigh-high suede boots and plumed hats.
David
Raphael : I'm going out on a limb here and say this guy is rubbish. Grossly overrated. Certainly doesn't belong in the same pantheon of the guys above. Pitiful colour coordination, lifeless composition and a disturbingly feathery touch with the brush.
Madonna dell Granduca
So if Raphael's out, who's in?
A couple of considerations:
Filippo Lippi : Largely forgotten and totally underrated. Arrived a bit early on the scene, but a true craftsman. Exqusite composition and flawless rendering skills. A deft hand with the old paintbrush. his rendering of the human face and form is without peer.
Madonna and Child with Stories of the Life of St. Anne
Botticelli : You just gotta love that blond chick that keeps popping up in all his paintings. Another one who showed up a bit early in the piece, but certainly pulled the art of painting kicking and screaming out of the dark ages.
Caravaggio: The shadowman of the late Renaissance. Intense, powerful and moody... and I'm not just talking about his oils. Like a good donnybrook, as well as being aprofligate wine soak and a real pants man. Until his untimely end, seemed to keep just one step ahead of the law.
Pieter Brueghel (the Elder) : Ok, a bit of a long shot. A late-comer and a bit north of the border, but I could stare at his genre paintings for hours. Lively, colourful and bursting at the seams with humour and pathos.
The Wedding Feast
So the ball's in your court now -- who else deserves a guernsey in the Renaissance All-Star team?
